Making "Clutch" Memories

One of the most interesting things I have learned about my life as an adult is that I have a handful of really good, clutch memories that I pluck from to define the joyous nature of my childhood. 

Like the time my father started a massive water fight in our house after we came home from school. 

Or when we wouldn't get out of the pool for dinner so they brought dinner to us and made us chirp like birds to get each bite put into our mouths. 

Or when my mom, before hosting a big party, thought it was a good idea to paint the kitchen cabinets. They turned out so ugly that my father woke us up early in the morning to paint anything on them to distract from the bad paint job!

There are themes to all of these "choice" memories. 

1. We were together. When I think back to these times, I can't remember anyone else being around. It's as if all else fades away and all you have is each other. Why? Because in each experience...

2. We were shocked. Yes! The shockingly out-of-the-ordinary experiences that we were thrown into made all expectations fade away. All of a sudden we were pioneers on uncharted territory. Everything was fair game and because of that...

3. The ordinary became extraordinary. A glass of water became a weapon. Kitchen cabinets became a canvas. A dinner became a game. 

What I am amazed about is that we all have this power everyday. This power to make a memory.

But we have to choose to do so. We have to help each other remember to shock the extraordinary out of the ordinary together. And that in doing so we will be brought closer together and leave with a story for a lifetime. 

Make sure you sign up for the only national family race series that shocks you with outrageous challenges using the ordinary.The Athens, GA race is fast approaching on September 6th! Sign up now by clicking here!

by Elizabeth Brantley

Something I Have Never Done Before

This Saturday I will do something I have never done before.  I will stand by our son, Tyler, as the best man at his wedding.  Pretty cool! 

Weddings create reflection for every parent.  Where did the 28 years go?  It seems like yesterday that I was holding him for the first time.  Memories have been bubbling up like a mountain spring the past few weeks. 

I will always remember the look on his face when he realized that the fly he was casting toward fish in Lake Burton was hooked in his jaw.  He was 6 at the time. It was our first father-son visit to the emergency room.  There would be more.

I first saw his inclination for all things athletic when he and I went rock climbing in the Pisgah Forest in Brevard, North Carolina.  It later showed up on the soccer field and finally found a home on the football field, where Tyler continued playing through college.

A highlight will always be our spring break roller coaster trip across central Florida. When Tyler was 13, he and I spent his entire spring break riding every roller coaster between Universal Studios and Busch Gardens!  It was a chiropractor’s nightmare and a father’s delight.

Maybe the big highlight for dad was the senior trip to France - just the two of us.  Ten wonderful and magical days split between Paris, Normandy, and Monte St. Michele.  Instead of hotels we chose bed and breakfasts in chateaus built in the 1500’s.  Lunch was always the same – a new baguette, cheese, grapes and occasional slices of beef.  But the location of lunch was always a treat; the Eiffel Tower, a bench outside of Notre Dame, a wall outside of Monte St. Michele.

There was lots of conversation, and also lots of silence.   Both were wonderful.  Hiking to top of Monte St. Michele, walking silently through the cemetery at Omaha Beach, laughing when I meant to say “goodbye” leaving a pub only to be told that I said “hotel.”

Then the memories turn to games - dozens and dozens of football and soccer games.  For twelve years we were there - standing on the sidelines, sitting in the stands, organizing parents, celebrating after a big win, and embracing after a hard defeat. 

The more I think about it, I realize that I have stood by him before, just not at a wedding.  That’s what we do as parents.  We are there; standing, sitting, cheering, laughing, and, at times, crying - being present in their lives as they grow. 

It is their job to grow.  Our job is to walk beside them, pick them up occasionally, lead them, and at times let them lead us - the whole time taking the journey together.

Thanks, Tyler, for the opportunity to walk beside you again.   


by John Brantley

Let Them Figure it Out

The centerpiece of our family weekend events is The Great Race, a series of 16 challenges placed strategically throughout the camp where the event is being held.  Before the race begins each family receives a map with the challenge locations highlighted.  Children must decide the order in which the family will do the challenges because it will impact their time.   

An eight-year-old boy was guiding his blindfolded father through a maze of balls and cones.  The son had to stand outside the maze and verbally direct his father through the maze.  If the father touched the cones or balls he had to start over.  This son slowly and adeptly guided his dad flawlessly through the maze and out the exit. 

The race is always a source of great stories and insights about healthy (or unhealthy) parenting. 

A few years ago at a military father & son weekend our son, Tyler, was standing at an intersection next to one of the challenges when he watched the following story unfold. Today I will tell the story that Tyler told me.   

Early in the weekend we told the fathers, “Let your son take the lead and decide what to do.  Unless there is the risk of bodily harm, everything can be a learning experience, whether they succeed or fail.”  This father took the message to heart.

“Nice job,” dad said after he took his blindfold off.  “Where do we go next?”  They looked at the map together.  The dad was an expert at orienteering and immediately realized that the son had the map upside down.  Rather than fixing the map for his son, though, he decided to let the situation play out.  His son studied the map intensely for a few seconds and said, “Let’s go to station 6.” 

“Which way?” the dad asked. 

The son studied the map again and said, “Left,” the opposite direction of station 6. 

“Let’s go,” said the dad.  He smiled at Tyler as they started down the trail.   Tyler watched them as they disappeared into the woods. 

Five minutes later Tyler was watching another son guide his father through the maze when he heard a commotion on the trail behind him. He turned to find the first son and dad sprinting back down the trail toward him.   As the son approached he began waiving the map in the air.  “I figured it out!  I figured it out!” he shouted as they burst past Tyler.

As he watched that son through the rest of the weekend, Tyler saw his confidence grow with every activity.   The son, who had been somewhat timid at the start of the weekend, began stepping to the front of the line.  He started teaching older kids how to do the activities.  He was becoming a leader.

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It seems that helping our kids succeed has become a national pastime; often to the point of extreme: parents doing things that are the responsibility of the child; parents fixing problems the child should be fixing; parents hovering over their children giving them little room to breathe and grow.

These well-intended parents, without realizing it, are doing more harm than good to their children.  Doing things for our children that they should be doing often communicates that we don’t believe they can do it right.  Not exactly the confidence boost you want.  It can also signal to some kids that you don’t really trust them to do it on their own.  Worst of all, it encourages them to quit when they have a problem and turn to you rather than learning how to do it themselves. 

While hyper parenting may help children make an A on their fifth grade science exam, it will hurt them when they leave for college or in their their first job half way across the country (where you are not there to solve it for them). 

This dad seemed to get it.  He could have fixed his son’s map by simply flipping it in his hand, but doing that would have robbed his son of the opportunity to learn how to read a map and find his path.  By letting his son learn to fix the problem with his guidance, he was giving his son the greater gift – the confidence and skills to be able to fix his own problems.  He was equipping his son to think for himself, solve his problems, and get up and get moving when mistakes occur. 

Whether our kids are 3, 13, or 33 we want our children to succeed.  The question is, “how do we help them?”  This dad is a simple lesson in success – let them figure it out, with you by their side coaching and guiding.   Do that and you give them the gift of confidence to find their way in the complex world we live in today. 

by John Brantley

The Stories We Tell

I was finishing breakfast the last morning of a father & son event for a military unit when one of the dads approached my table.  The dad, Drew, was sporting a big smile when he knelt beside my chair.  “You’re not going to believe what happened!” he said.  He had my attention. 

Two days earlier the fathers and sons did an activity called “When I Was Your Age.”  Our children only know us as adults, so the goal of this activity was for fathers to share stories about when they were growing up and then sons to share the major memories they have at their current age.  Drew had been absent for most of his son, Luke’s life.  He and his wife divorced when Luke was a baby, and Drew had been deployed every year since Luke was born.   He knew very little about his son’s life.   After sharing stories about when he was Luke’s age, Drew looked at his son and said, “Tell me stories about your life.”  Luke, who was nine at the time, paused, looked down and said, “Dad, I don’t have any stories.”  It was like a dagger to Drew’s heart. 

The next afternoon we played All Camp Capture the Flag, a popular camp game.  The camp is divided into two teams.  Each team dons war paint and is given a flag.  The goal is for each team to capture the other team’s flag and safely bring it back to their own base without being tagged by the opposing team.  If you are tagged holding the other team’s flag, you must drop the flag and the other team’s defender surround it.  You, in the meantime are taken to jail.  With normal guys, Capture the Flag is great fun.  With elite soldiers the energy level zooms.    

As the teams dispersed, Drew watched the other team as they raced away with their flag.  He and Luke quietly did a flanking move, and stealthily crept up the side of the hill, just behind the other team’s base.  They watched as their own team members tried valiantly to steal the flag only to be tagged and carted off to jail. 

Adrenaline pumped through Luke’s body as he watched the action taking place below him.  It was adventure of the highest nature - he and his dad together, doing something dangerous.  It was a feeling he had never felt before. 

Quietly Drew leaned over to Luke and said, “If our team is going to win, someone must sacrifice themselves for the team.  And that someone is going to be us.”  He quickly laid out the plan and Luke smiled.  At just the right moment, they leapt into action, charging over the hill and racing toward the flag.  The other team didn’t see them coming until they were almost at the flag.  Drew reached down, grabbed the flag, and began to run.  Immediately he was tagged, but his plan worked.  He had drawn all of the guards in his direction.  As Drew dropped the flag another team member, surrounded by supporters raced in from behind the guards and grabbed the flag.   As a unit, they raced toward their base. 

In the meantime, Drew and Luke walked toward jail with one of their captors, unsure of the events that were unfolding.  As they entered the jail, the jailer’s walkie-talkie squawked and they heard the message. Their team had just won.  Luke leaped in the air and grabbed his dad.  “Dad,” he said, “now, I have a story to tell.” 

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Luke will probably remember that story forever.  He really does have a story to tell.  A story that is better than Capture the Flag and winning the game.  His will be a story of camaraderie between father and son; a story of sacrificing yourself for the good of the team; a story of adventure, courage, and hope.  Ultimately, a story of love. 

Stories like that are the foundation of greatness. 

All of us define ourselves by the stories we tell.  Our identity, our history, even our future is shaped by the stories we tell about who we are, how life is lived, what matters and other important beliefs.  But it gets even more fascinating.  It appears that what we remember is less about the actual facts of the story and more about the meaning we give to what happened.

Of all the stories that we tell the most important stories have their origin in the family.  Family is the place where everything begins.  Identity is formed, values are shaped, and world-view is created - all within the family unit.   

It makes me think of a question.

What’s your story?  What are the stories you tell yourself about who you are?  Are they liberating or limiting?

If you are a parent the question has a second part; what’s the story that your family is telling? Does your family's stories liberate everyone in the family to find their path?  

by John Brantley

Five Critical Times Every Day

Ever feel like a juggler in the circus?  You’re not alone.  Most of our schedules are so packed that family time is often reduced to logistics, shuttling kids from one activity to the next.  Even with a busy schedule, you can still connect with you children if you recognize the five critical times of every day.  Be a good steward of these times and your relationship will soar.  (Due to work schedules, you may not be present for all of these, so determine the ones that work and make the most of them.)  

1. Mornings

If possible, be there when the kids gets up.  This is a great time to create positive energy, discuss the plan for the day, give them a hug and send them on their way with an “I love you.”  It is important for children to leave for school or play with a full stomach and a heart full of love and confidence.

2. When They Comes Home From School (or Activities)

When kids come home from school you have 15-20 minutes to connect.  After that, they are off doing other things.  Be prepared with snacks, time, and open-ended questions.  “What was the best thing that happened today?”  “What did Mrs. Smith say about your project?  This brief time can be a gold mine of connection and information.  

3. When You Come Home From Work

If your children are already home when you get there, connect with them quickly.  They want to see you, even if they pretend they are not interested.  If possible, do something together you both enjoy.  If they are deep in study, a pat on the shoulder and a kiss on the top of the head can do the trick.  Even if you have had a bad day, try to focus on them for a few minutes before focusing on yourself.

4. Evening Meal

Make eating together in the evening a priority.  Whoever is at home eats together without the distraction of TV, computer, phones, and other devices.  Establishing a “no devices at the table” rule can make dinner a time to celebrate the family. 

During meals create intentional conversation.  Catch up on the activities of the day, talk about current events, or just enjoy being together.  Rose Kennedy, President John Kennedy’s mom, would place a newspaper article on the note board in the kitchen at breakfast.  At supper, everyone was to be ready to discuss it.  Make supper a time for free thought and exchange.  This fosters critical thinking skills that help your children become better students and problem solvers.

If friends visit keep the same dinner rules.  When our son’s friends visited for supper they often talked about how much fun supper was because of the lively discussion.

5. Bedtime

Bedtime is also an important time to connect with your children.  Depending on their age, reading a book or telling stories can be a great way to end the day.  Even when they are young, talking about the day’s event helps them reflect on their day.  It also helps you assess their emotional temperature and any concerns or anxieties they may have.  Simple concerns can seem like monsters to a six year-old.  Just like your plan when they come home from school, open-ended questions always work best.  “How is basketball practice going?”  “Which classes are easiest?”  “Anything you want to talk about?”   Simple open-ended questions open the door for them to share successes and concerns. 

Life may be busy but it doesn’t have to be empty. 

Connect and thrive!

by John Brantley