Let Them Figure it Out

The centerpiece of our family weekend events is The Great Race, a series of 16 challenges placed strategically throughout the camp where the event is being held.  Before the race begins each family receives a map with the challenge locations highlighted.  Children must decide the order in which the family will do the challenges because it will impact their time.   

An eight-year-old boy was guiding his blindfolded father through a maze of balls and cones.  The son had to stand outside the maze and verbally direct his father through the maze.  If the father touched the cones or balls he had to start over.  This son slowly and adeptly guided his dad flawlessly through the maze and out the exit. 

The race is always a source of great stories and insights about healthy (or unhealthy) parenting. 

A few years ago at a military father & son weekend our son, Tyler, was standing at an intersection next to one of the challenges when he watched the following story unfold. Today I will tell the story that Tyler told me.   

Early in the weekend we told the fathers, “Let your son take the lead and decide what to do.  Unless there is the risk of bodily harm, everything can be a learning experience, whether they succeed or fail.”  This father took the message to heart.

“Nice job,” dad said after he took his blindfold off.  “Where do we go next?”  They looked at the map together.  The dad was an expert at orienteering and immediately realized that the son had the map upside down.  Rather than fixing the map for his son, though, he decided to let the situation play out.  His son studied the map intensely for a few seconds and said, “Let’s go to station 6.” 

“Which way?” the dad asked. 

The son studied the map again and said, “Left,” the opposite direction of station 6. 

“Let’s go,” said the dad.  He smiled at Tyler as they started down the trail.   Tyler watched them as they disappeared into the woods. 

Five minutes later Tyler was watching another son guide his father through the maze when he heard a commotion on the trail behind him. He turned to find the first son and dad sprinting back down the trail toward him.   As the son approached he began waiving the map in the air.  “I figured it out!  I figured it out!” he shouted as they burst past Tyler.

As he watched that son through the rest of the weekend, Tyler saw his confidence grow with every activity.   The son, who had been somewhat timid at the start of the weekend, began stepping to the front of the line.  He started teaching older kids how to do the activities.  He was becoming a leader.

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It seems that helping our kids succeed has become a national pastime; often to the point of extreme: parents doing things that are the responsibility of the child; parents fixing problems the child should be fixing; parents hovering over their children giving them little room to breathe and grow.

These well-intended parents, without realizing it, are doing more harm than good to their children.  Doing things for our children that they should be doing often communicates that we don’t believe they can do it right.  Not exactly the confidence boost you want.  It can also signal to some kids that you don’t really trust them to do it on their own.  Worst of all, it encourages them to quit when they have a problem and turn to you rather than learning how to do it themselves. 

While hyper parenting may help children make an A on their fifth grade science exam, it will hurt them when they leave for college or in their their first job half way across the country (where you are not there to solve it for them). 

This dad seemed to get it.  He could have fixed his son’s map by simply flipping it in his hand, but doing that would have robbed his son of the opportunity to learn how to read a map and find his path.  By letting his son learn to fix the problem with his guidance, he was giving his son the greater gift – the confidence and skills to be able to fix his own problems.  He was equipping his son to think for himself, solve his problems, and get up and get moving when mistakes occur. 

Whether our kids are 3, 13, or 33 we want our children to succeed.  The question is, “how do we help them?”  This dad is a simple lesson in success – let them figure it out, with you by their side coaching and guiding.   Do that and you give them the gift of confidence to find their way in the complex world we live in today. 

by John Brantley