Failing Your Way to Success: “What I learned about parenting from a rock climbing guide”

I first met Wally at the base of Looking Glass, a great climbing spot in Western North Carolina.   Wally taught Drew and Tyler rock climbing at summer camp, so he was a logical choice to guide a Saturday climbing expedition.   His easy-going confident manner was reassuring for a dad with no experience climbing.

After explaining the equipment, he helped us into our harness.  We practiced climbing on the rocks at the base of Looking Glass while he set up the first climb.  It was a 20-foot climb to a ledge.  To easy our anxiety, Wally did it first.  He tied the climbing rope to his harness and I slid the other end of the rope through my harness.  I was the safety guy, the belayer, secured to two trees at the bottom of the rock.  If Wally fell, I was to pull my end of the rope to the right, hopefully stopping his fall.  To show how safe it was, Wally let go just before he got to the ledge.  I stopped his fall quickly, and he sat dangling in mid air.

Then it was Drew’s turn.  Wally tied one end of the rope to Drew’s harness and slipped the other end through his harness.  This time he was the belayer.  The first ten feet were easy.  Drew scampered up the rock and clipped into the first and second anchors Wally had placed in the rock.  The second ten feet were steeper.  Five feet from the ledge Drew lost his footing and fell.  Wally quickly stopped his fall.  Physically he was fine, but his eyes told a different story.

He was spooked.  He said he wanted to come down.  Wally told him to catch his breath.  After a few seconds Wally said, “I can let you do that, but before we do that, try this.  Do you see that crack in the rock below your left knee?”  Drew found it.  “Do you see the knob above your head to the right?”  Drew found that also.  “I’ll hold the rope real tight.  Try to get your left foot into the crack and push up.  When you do, grab the knob.”  It took two tries, but he nailed it.   His energy surged.    He climbed the remaining five feet and tapped the rock at the ledge.  As Wally lowered him down, his eyes had changed.  Panic was replaced by excitement.

The next climb was a two-pitch climb.   Wally climbed first while I was the belayer.  He reached the ledge and anchored in, ready to belay the rest of us up the rock.  This time Drew had a different pep in his step.  He fell again, but quickly regained his composure and regrouped.   In a flash he was on the ledge.  Tyler climbed next.  He was a natural climber.  He scampered up the rock like a monkey climbing a tree.  Finally, I made my way up the rock.  Wow!  What an adrenaline rush!   We sat discussing the first climb as Wally prepared for the second pitch. 

I reflected on the day as the boys slept on the way home.  Wally had done something magical.  Without “teaching a lesson” he taught Drew and Tyler the secret to real success – failing, learning, and going again.  Creating a low-risk setting, he pushed them out of their comfort zone with progressively harder climbs.  He knew at some point they would fail and fall – that was the point.  And, when they did fall he didn’t fix it for them.  Neither did be baby them.  Instead, he helped them regroup, find a new path, and keep climbing.   By helping them fail in a lower risk environment he helped them learn to succeed as the climbs got harder. 

by John Brantley